Finding Love in Lupus

Hola!!!

My brief hiatus has been due to not having much to report!!! Which has been great! I've been busy living life to the fullest! Enjoying making memories with friends and family. Still dancing around in heels. I've made major changes to lessen some stress that was beginning to get to me and affect me both emotionally and physically. Remember that a build up of stress or even a sudden arise of it can really bring you down, your body feeling it as much as your mind might. So I changed jobs, living quarters, and even took some time away from a bit of family and friendly drama. I've done some performances of poetry. Investing time in many projects I enjoy. Even keeping to some quiet time with my faithful dog Bella. 

Stray Away News & Update:

Recently, I've been so caught up in feeling good and feeling quite "normal", that I began to slack off a bit. Starting with not keeping up with my vitamins, not exercising, even giving up on my beloved healthy foods!! I pretty much broke my routine. Which of course as now caught up to me. My symptoms have returned in the form of weakness, constant tiredness (despite the hours upon hours of sleep I now get), headaches, and body aches. Thankfully, I haven't had any major inflammation in my joints, lost of appetite, or weight! Thank God! The memory fog tends to still sneak up on me  sometimes... But I do my best to focus and leave myself any reminders I might need along the way.

Well it's time to whip myself back into shape! Which I pray that will ease the consistency of my current symptoms. As much as I should be used to living at the doctors office, do you ever feel like you have to brace yourself for these trips? In my case it's never just one visit, never just one doctor, never just one test or exam. Be as it may, I do want to gear this post toward something a little bit more personal. Something I wasn't sure how to face until now....

The Emotional Toll:

In the initial time of my illness I was with someone whom I thought would be by my side thru and thru. Unfortunately, along side my drawn out search for some kind of recovery, my messy and hurtful my break-up (& thus a divorce) left me more battled-ridden than I could have ever thought it would be. I was heartbroken and fell into what I call a silent depression for the last 3 years. Though I have an amazing team of supporters, loved ones and friends... I still felt abandoned by someone I trusted with all the keys to my very private life. I have kept high walls around my heart and as far away from that kind of hurt as possible. I have been viewing any relationship with any potential interest- in all the wrong ways. Sadly, I just found this out. Enter into my newest battle field......

I recently met someone that quite seriously interrogated me, before deciding he wanted to show his honest interest in me. Over these past weeks and months we've gotten to know each other in a way that I haven't experienced in a very long time. Patience in the most profound manner, thoughtfulness, and constant humor (because laughing is one of life's natural healing medicines). I've shared with him my present condition and a little bit of my background. Enough information so that he is aware of it. However, in the last two days I realized that I have been allowing Lupus to be exactly what I just mentioned...."my present condition", so that anyone new in my life would only be "aware" of it.

I've had a very self-reflecting-perspective-reality-check. And I don't know if anyone else has gone thru something like this.. but what I was doing was this... Accepting that I have Lupus only because I have to deal with it. Not because it is a part of me.... My very smart boyfriend has caught on to this. Calling me out on keeping him at bay from my inner struggles with lupus. I didn't want him to worry, so instead I took it upon myself to hide my difficulties as to not hurt him and hopefully be accepted, or as least that was my logic. I did not want to put him in a position where he might feel uncomfortable or even worse...leave. I have been so afraid of someone walking out on me in my greatest moment of need- again, that I lost all trust for any man willing to get close to me. I have such a particular routine to maintaining my health. I didn't want it to interrupt this bit of happiness that's come my way. Foolish me, so caught up in my own despair, I couldn't get that what this darling man was trying to tell me....

Back To A Love Filled Reality:

That my battles were no longer mine alone to fight! If only I would allow him, he'd be right beside me holding me up and fighting to win against Lupus every step of the way! How foolish I have been to think no one would take me as I am!!!!! Lupus is not all of me, but it has taken total control of my personal space! There's plenty more to me and I hadn't realized what happened within! I have spent so  mush time focused on gaining control over this unpredictable "disorder", that it has taken over my emotional state. I know I have hard and high walls up to protect little ol' me, but after a very intense and sobbing- filled discussion about the lupus side of me, I saw that I made it so personal because of all the hurt at the very beginning of this 6 year journey; I learned that just because one person was too weak to deal with a difficult curve ball that came our way, it didn't mean that I died... Or that I would have to live and die alone simply because I have lupus. Whether physically or emotionally. It just meant that God had a different plan for my way of living in comparison to most. I have used my experiences as an educational outlet. Attempting to figure out all the changes my body, mind, and (apparently) my soul has gone thru over time. 

In reality I should have accepted myself as I am. Rather than trying to deal with life and the uncertainties of how lupus will affect my personal connections. Even if that means that having Lupus is a part of that connection. Anyone not willing to accept that is therefore too weak to be around me or in my life. No negative energy welcomed here!! Somehow, this man is willing, he's accepted me and truly loves me unconditionally. Thankful to God every day for one another. In the past six years, I haven't accepted nor really had a man tell me that I wouldn't be alone anymore. In all the healing I have prayed for, God chose to bring me a blessing that was only a silent hope within my heart. A man strong enough to be there and stick by me when I am too weak to be strong on my own. It's been a lonely road to some extent. Though I am overly abundantly blessed to have friends and family who continue to be a great help and support. The strength of a man holding me close when I am in physical pain, just can't quite be compared too.

This Is Who I Am:

I am a survivor since the very moment I was born, I have always fought to survive and I will always continue to do so. Nothing will ever be stronger than my Faith in God. That and the loving hands and hearts that hold me up in prayer everyday whether I know it or not. I do know that God answers prayers. The plans He has for me are still so great and grand for me to always understand. I continue to stay open about life and for God to fill me with the intricate details He gives me to search out and learn. I am in awe of the fine print having Lupus has brought to my eyes, as I learn so much more about myself and about life around me. It makes me feel like I am living life on a whole new level. Because this chapter ends with me still Winning against Lupus.

Be Well & God Bless!